Dearest Rachel,

Your younger life will be organised in rules and norms and mores and structures created around how the world works.

This will guard your sanity (and your reputation) – for a while – because some people, like you, thrive on a sense of order.  For a while. Enjoy that while it lasts. It will be useful for when it is useful.

You will suffer huge loss before you are ready. To be clear, no one is ever really ready for loss. But this loss…for a long time the only thing you will be able to say about it is, “I suffered a great loss.” This will be the beginning and the end of your statement about this matter for a hot minute, because to say more is to drown in your grief. Your mother will die and your world will stop and you will lose your mind and maybe one day you’ll be able to unpack that with eloquence, but that day is not today.

One day you’re walking through the world thinking you know how things work, and then you will fall into a hole, and nothing will ever be the same again. You will understand that black and white merge into grey more often than you originally realised.  You will realise that the cure for judgement is fucking up, and you will rack up more than your fair share of fuck ups. In fact, you will receive an advanced degree (Hons) in fucking up. You will then learn to laugh more, to forgive more (more often, faster, more completely), and your heart will grow much larger than you thought possible, because you will be fully aware that we’re really all just winging it. No, you weren’t asleep on the day that maps for this life journey were being handed out. (Phew) If you have none, be sure that no one else has one either. We’re all just winging it.

That being said, you will also learn to distinguish between winging it and being ashy* – this is a very important lesson to learn.  In certain situations, some people are winging it, and some are ashy, and it will take you a while to figure out the difference. Related: You will also – eventually – find out that Prince Charming is rarely Prince Sincere as well.

You will learn to identify the people who truly love you. The people of your heart. You will know them because they will tolerate your considerable levels of crazy while gently nudging you towards the light. When you find these people-of-your-heart, never let them go. Stalk them into staying, if you must. They will save you from yourself over and over again, and they will help you begin to look up from your navel, and you will see the world for what it is. Bigger.

In all pitfalls, and in all mistakes, remember the great philosopher J. Cole: “Fuck that. I will be greater. Watch me.”

Enjoy the evolution, my darling girl. Let it lead you to your healing.

Logical bonds xxx



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