Desolation

Here I am once again, I find myself in an abyss of nothingness, an emptiness that's deep and real just sucking up the little life I have left.

I find myself, once again tired of living with no purpose, will, or strength. It's a never-ending cycle and I'm sick of it. I have been here before not long ago and miraculously escaped, promising myself that I would try to be okay, I would try to live and not survive, exist in this world, I would work past my unhappiness, stop berating myself, smile more and laugh and whatever else I picked up from endless tutorial videos, blog posts, and motivational speaking. I would try all that and hopefully, somehow it would all work and everything would be okay, it didn't and nothing is okay. 

I'm still sad. I'm still unhappy and living in total desolation. Each waking moment is torture, waking up in a reality so toxic and insipid, not wanting to be here at all, hating every second of it but having no choice but to live it. "It'll get better," does it ever? I try my best to remain positive and maintain the little sanity I have left, to not flip out, to not scream, to not break down but it gets harder each day. Harder to breathe, stay calm, focused, and motivated. I had devised some coping mechanism methods which keep failing. I turn to pleasure, it's a new one, transient as it may but at least it's something because that is all I want to feel, something or anything. It works until it doesn't, the endless multiple orgasms that rock my world, electrifying. For a moment I'm out, I see stars and lose myself in pleasure, I savor every second of it because it's all I have and I would give anything for it to last forever except it doesn't…. The stars cease to exist, they become blurry and then fade away into the sky and all I have left is my lifeless, cold and trembling body laying down with tears falling on the sides of my eyes. And at that particular moment, it all flashes before my eyes, what have I become? This poor and damaged excuse of a woman, shame and guilt, and my conscience gang up on me and I can't win, I don't have any strength left in me to at least defend myself so they take over and I lie there, condemned. It's exhausting living like this, the constant pity parties are becoming too much to bear. Is this it? Is this all I am, all I'll ever be? 

To my surprise, the other voices inside my head are not tired of fighting, they're just whispers because my demons are louder and because I need some ray of sunshine, I'm not ready to give up yet or maybe I'm too scared to throw in the towel, whatever it is, it makes me pay attention to the other voices. "The little girl who wanted to be famous, to conquer the world, be on top of every fashion and lifestyle magazine cover, the hopeless romantic girl who wanted to fall in love and who swore to find her happily ever after," "what became of her, would she be proud of this, what would she think?" In all honesty, it doesn't matter. She was a dreamer, I try to convince myself; a naive, inexperienced, and innocent girl who didn't know any better, who saw life in only one dimension, two colors, and not the horrors of life, the grayness, the red, the multiple colors, the toxicity, all the ugly. She hadn't experienced any of it so what would she know? The whispers are more ridiculous than I thought but deep down I knew they were right. But in retrospect, I go down memory lane and it hits me, the journey which led to this moment; I am broken, I am imperfect full of weaknesses and flaws, and my heart is damaged but, I'm still here. In Spite of everything that has ever happened to me and I don't know how to feel about that. Should I be proud of myself? And in this moment I decide to get up and keep trying, this time harder because I'm sick of feeling like this. When I look in the mirror I see her, the little naive girl. She looks different now but it's her. I will keep trying, I will keep fighting, no matter how many times I fall, the whispers are there, and I will try to listen because of the girl in the mirror deserves better. She deserves more and as long as I'm still breathing, I refuse to let her down. I have some strength left in me so that's a start….

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