Mugoiri

Dear Mugoiri of Years Past,

In late December 2021, your small intestines will twist, cutting off blood supply, nutrients, and anything else that would usually pass through. The doctors will use the term ‘gangrene’ and need to cut a chunk of your intestines out. You will spend Christmas and New Years’ Eve in the hospital. 

Nothing will prepare you for this. For the pain you will go through, the confusion because you don’t know and are not in control of what is happening, and the betrayal you will feel by your body, the one you have taken such care of, working out 4 times a week, hiking once a month… oh, the betrayal! 

But nothing will prepare you for the lesson either: GRATITUDE. The doctor will show you what they had to cut out for you to make it and you cry. Because you made it through what many do not. 

It will hit you hard: Life is fleeting. And unpredictable. And not entirely in your hands. Remember that feeling of utter surrender on the day you were discharged as the car door closed and you were driven away from the hospital? No planning, no scheduling, no arranging your diary could have prevented what you had just gone through.  

BE GRATEFUL. That you get to do the things you do. Take time to sit and admire the roses, don’t just pat yourself on the back that you are planting them. Yes, you should be proud of what you are doing, what you are accomplishing, but there are others who can and were doing the same and can no longer do them. So be grateful that you are alive, healthy (somewhat), and capable of doing the things you do. 

This will take some time to understand, but also be grateful for this time of recuperation and rest. You will spend much too much time crying because laying down, unable to do anything will make you feel useless. But slowly you will realize that this period of doing nothing is exactly what you need. It will help you realize that you are not a machine, you cannot be on the go-go-go all the time. Sometimes just let go and see how the world will rotate without you. Spoiler alert: It rotates just fine. Things work themselves out, no need to try and be on top of everything. 

PK will come to see you at the hospital and as you are marveling at how quickly life can turn, he reminds you that’s why at the end of every plan, people tack on ‘God willing’. And while you struggle with religion and how it has granted people leeway to be general a-holes, you do concur that there is more at play than yourself. Give in to it. 

And don’t take it all so seriously. The plans you have are great, but there are no expiry dates for them. Readjust. You don’t need to explain yourself to yourself. 

Oh, and you are going to have to go off social media for a while. Seeing people out enjoying a hike in nature or working out will give you such FOMO! Yup, this is where you are in life. 

 

Sincerely (how does one sign off to self?),

Mugoiri, of 2022. The one who now has it all figured out*

 

*subject to further lessons getting knocked into me

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