Dear F. A. N

Yaoundé, Cameroon

July 07th, 2021.

01 40am.

Dear F. A. N,

Today, as every other day since February 13th, 2021, I prepare to sleep while contemplating thoughts of you. Thoughts of us, and what we could’ve been. The remnants of our memories are saved in my google drive and I dread seeing them because half of the time they bring tears to my eyes and for the other half, they make me mad at myself. So many questions I have to ask, but I know I’ll get no answers. So I look out the window and whisper your name into the night, I speak blessings and I pray to the heavens that you receive peace, light, and love, the likes of which are befitting of your celestial person.

Since we parted, I’ve been in an emotional limbo. Often wondering if I will ever feel for anyone what I feel for you and if you will ever again try to feel for me what you once confessed. I miss you. Your touch, the sound of your voice, and the sweet sensation of your body on mine as we cuddled our way into each other’s vital space and into each other’s thoughts. I miss those nights in the heat of Douala where we stayed up till 3 am talking about everything and nothing. I recounted my dreams and you spoke things of the spirit. I will have you know that I now understand the things you said. The many times you spoke about divine alignment, about patience, and about waiting on God’s time. I now understand. It took me a while, a lot of mistakes, and even losing you to get it, but now I do.

As time has gone by, I have had the opportunity to look at myself in the mirror and to ask myself the hard questions. And the more I journey down the path of self-awareness, I understand quite a lot of things. I understand that you needed me to be patient. After thinking about it, I understand that patience isn’t the ability to wait since we are all forced to wait at some point. I understand that patience is what one does when one has to wait. I realize how much peace I was afforded in your arms and how much of myself I gave off while I was with you. All these are gone and they may never return.

But more than everything else, I enjoy watching your progress from a safe distance. Even though my entire being wants to bridge the distance, reach out and try to afford us another chance. I am genuinely excited to see how you’re progressing seemingly effortlessly with unprecedented grace and poise. I’ve learned that some people are irreplaceable, that perfection is only achieved when we focus on appreciation, and that sometimes, second chances don’t happen. In 4 days, it will be July 11th. Under fairer skies, it would’ve been our anniversary. I hope you’re happy and I hope on some good days, you happen to think of me.

Yours with love,

Asafor Ndifor

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