Hey San

Hey San,
I am proud of you. I know it feels strange to hear, and I know you struggle with acknowledging progress (let’s park that for later) ….

But beloved, you are doing the work. And it shows. And I want you to be proud of yourself and who you are becoming as you embark on this journey of self-inquiry, and as you pursue what it means to feel free.  

Let’s recall April 2020. AKA The Reckoning.

A passage of time that came with so much. Being at Home, during a global lockdown was of course no coincidence. Sometimes we have to reach breaking point so we can come undone, and really look at ourselves. And really see whether we are, who we think we are.

You were cracked open and forced to interrogate how you were showing up in people’s lives. The writing had always been on the wall, you now had a chance to be still and look. To see the clear patterns in your life, the cycles that kept showing up just dressed differently. 

It was heavy. 

Unpacking and untangling all the problematic interpretations you had about your self-worth. 

Understanding that you didn’t need to peg yourself to other people to matter. That you didn’t need to martyr yourself to be worthy of love. That you don’t have to overextend yourself every time. That when you play the role of caretaker that it mostly came at the expense of yourself. You had been conditioned to think that’s where you found your self-worth, so you had trouble even knowing how to put yourself and your needs first.

When that was laid bare, and you finally saw the imbalance of things, you chose to be Brave and do the work of healing, of building yourself from the inside out, starting with the roots. You chose to unpack traumas, sit with hurt feelings, explore fault lines in relationships, understand patterns, and have difficult chats. 

 It hasn’t always been easy, but that’s how you know you are growing. 

(Shout out to therapy and the beloveds that steady you)

Keep going, and remember everything you learned:

Vulnerability is how you save yourself. It is okay to unravel. It is okay to be full of feeling and be so raw and tender all you can do is cry. Feeling is how you get to the other side. You can be soft and strong and strong doesn’t have to mean carrying it all. Strong can mean brave.

You are not a bottomless well. You need to replenish as much as you pour out. You cannot pour from an empty cup.  Explore all the ways you need to fill your well.

Boundaries are scary AF to set but are healthy and important. Setting them gets better with practice!
“You are your own best thing” as Toni Morrison says, and cultivating this inner harmony, rooting yourself in love and compassion, is very important, very sacred work. 

Be proud of how far you have come. Keep going.  

Love,

You, from a place where time doesn’t matter. 

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