Dear You,
Do you remember when you thought you’d reached your end?

Do you remember having not slept for weeks… Your mind was racing and you felt like you had nothing to live for. You were in a dark hospital ward, lamenting. You just wanted one night’s rest, you were desperate. 

The hospital ward was straight from a horror story…across from you was a lady with a kidney problem and a snoring problem (she wasn’t relenting you took note of her RPM, rate per mouthful ). Across the hall there was a man who was wailing in pain, he sounded old and tired. His wails were intermittent but rather loud… Everything was loud. Right next to you was a lady who has an imaginary disease, they’d tested her for everything but they couldn’t figure it out the doctor thought it was psychological but she was still wailing in pain. “Make it all stop!” You prayed. You were invested in everything, the flickering lights, the snoring, the wailing, every footstep… it was exhausting.

Do you remember when it all stopped? When you realized that you were in the wrong place and you decided to live? Of course, the sedative helped… but do you remember when the voices in your head went quiet? When your mind stopped racing? When the horror slapped you into reality? The old man down the hall died. 

It was about 3 am, the nurse woke you up after thirteen hours of sleep. While getting out of your sleep-induced stupor, you heard him wailing and gasping for air… the heart monitor was beeping furiously, then it stopped. Just like that he reached his end, the end you have been furiously searching for.

The nurse turned to you, needle in hand, and asked you “ do you still want to die?” You had no time to think that was a weird thing to say for someone who has vowed to keep the “Hippocratic oath”, he must have been exhausted as he was on suicide watch because ummm...  You answered “NO”.

That was it, that “NO”  helped you pull yourself out of a dark hole. The end you were longing for scared you to death, the finality of it all. Not literally of course, but it brought you a new realization… for YOU to live, YOU have to fix what was causing you to yearn for death so badly. You are the healing force you have been searching for all those years. So every time you feel that you are at your end… remember that you got yourself out. Remember that healing is hard, healing requires a lot of work, that healing requires a conscious effort. That only YOU can heal YOU. 

With love. 


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