Wassup Old Dee

Such is life right Dee? Remember 2013 man when you were all excited about getting to an English-named Kenyan campus [Egerton University]? The anxiety was real wasn’t it?

Life was really going to get real for you. You were looking forward to that new drive, eyeing some new heights from that course that you were selected to do and even finding love at a pivotal point and jeez! That really got your heart racing didn’t it?

So, a week into the orientation you got your girl and things escalated so fast, it felt like you two were zoned in your own world. But then again it was great to experience that rush and getting that love right in your buds.

Man, it was really amazing wasn’t it Dee?

Like a game of chess, she was indeed your queen and you took notice of any beams she was lighting up. She changed your mentality because back in the day, your only thought trail was that roses are red, love is fake and that weddings were just funerals with cake. But all that changed when you met her. Everything was so real and you guys grew together and built something for you to consistently glow.

But in December, the dark shadow decides to cast its cloud right at on your back and it robbed you the most influential woman in your life: your beloved mum. I never knew how bitter death was until it knocked at my door and I felt robbed for the first time in my life. The pain was real and having that strong personality, you decided not to mourn but to be strong for your family.

People came up to you with all sorts of statements like, “Hi Derrick. Don’t worry. It’s a path that all of us will have to pass through,” but that was the last thing you wanted to hear. You wondered why someone would come to a grieving setting and tell you such an obvious thing to comfort you. Then, you were looking for another life to live as an outlet of the pain that was laced inside the depths of your heart and it was also a pseudo-tactic just not to show your sad and broken self to society. So, during the whole interlude, you didn’t break down to your core. You just kept on telling yourself to be strong, but now I realize I made a mistake and this is why am saying this.

In 2018, the grief of losing my mum came back to me vividly and I remember clearly how bad a position that put me in. I had panic attacks and a chronic case of anxiety to a point where the depression cycles got real. I remember missing the sun just to make the rain go away. I got suicidal because I didn’t see a meaningful life without my mum being around. I remember asking myself what’s the point of that job, that gift in writing and poetry, that cologne business that I had if my mum wouldn’t be around to actually enjoy the fruits of everything. I remember looking at the rope just to make that pain go away. I became addicted to my own limitations and lost too much drive and passion during that year. I lost the girl that I was seeing at that time because of my psychotic tendencies.

I remember being pissed off by the way I couldn’t fit in. Felt like I was in a race that I wasn’t really winning. I literally met my own devil and damn he was grinning. I lost the taste of love and became too bitter with life itself to a point I was asking guys in my inner circle just to tell me the secret of love because I just didn’t get it.

But Dee, remember that there was something in you that always told you that hard days are always there but they don’t last that long. Then came the self-revelation after a couple sessions with internet therapy then I realized that too many people leave the world without really changing it and that very day I accepted that I wasn’t perfect. It was the same time that I started out embracing me. I realized I had flaws and so I stopped trying to erase them as they formed a vital axis in my life; I just had to love them.

Month after month, the healing process began to trickle in. I warmed up to every phase that life had to serve on its plate. I started to love myself enough to know I had to talk to people I trusted about my inner problems and even at a point I had a psychiatrist in place just to help me pick up my million broken pieces. I learnt that life gives you battles that you can very well handle depending on what is inside you and there are people who are genuinely out here to just look out for you. You just need to know where to look. In that way, losing my mum gave me clarity.

So out with the old and in with the new Dee. The new Dee is enthusiastic to get up every morning and embraces every little aspect that life has to give as he sets out to get that portion of the world that life has allocated him. Here comes the new Dee who’ll tell anyone that it is okay to lose your temper sometimes. It’s even more okay to be faced with a storm as long as you do everything that you have to do just to get back in your zone. In a nutshell, life might throw tough tests in your path but when that happens, the light at the end of that tunnel should keep you going.

Cheers to us refurbished Dee

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