Each time he threatens to leave you, you get scared. You get scared because in that moment you cannot see yourself breathing if he left you. You’re too young to comprehend the struggles of love, adulting and growth Marie. Your picture of true love is simple and sweet. You and him staring at a great view as the sun sets over it. Just the two of you in a quiet serene place. They will never understand your silence. The fact that the most heartfelt moments with someone are the ones when you’re both silent.

You’ve cried and cried and prayed to get through the pain. You’ve sat in the chapel staring at the Virgin Mary knowing damn well she won’t talk to you like she does those spiritual girls that come running to tell everyone about their miracles and divine revelations. You say a couple of scripted prayers and burst out crying again.

You’re embarrassed.

You don’t know how to tell your friends. You didn’t know how to tell them when you two were playing in the sheets and started acting awkward in public. But you told them nonetheless and now time has drifted both of you apart. Time. Not even a full year. To you that’s still a lot of time. You have a lot of time on your hands anyway. You’ve not made it past a year in all your previous relationships and this felt like the one that would change all that. The one to leave a mark. The blessing. You don’t want to be one of those girls that measures their self-worth by the relationships they are in but you subconsciously do that.

You keep blaming yourself and saying you will do better as you chant words of affirmation till you get your own mantra. A mantra that you now laugh at because you’ve been through dozens of these episodes and each time your skin has grown thicker and your tears have grown thinner. You’ve come to realize that everything is finite and you won’t watch that sunset every day, but on some days you will. On a boat by yourself or with a new lover. And you will be content with the reality. Of endings and new beginnings. Of doors opening and some closing. In that moment you will have the answers you were looking for at 16. And you will love yourself for feeling all the feels.

From: Older Marie.

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