NOW I KNOW PAIN

The older I get the lonelier I feel. Adult smiles are brief then we walk past each other. The mind is more imaginative. That’s good when it’s going on and on about giddy ideas.

Then it takes a turn and starts to trash you and rubbish your achievements. At this point the opportunities cannot be seen. You’ve struck oil and drowned in it. You are in a dark spot.  This is a lonely place for me. It used to be worse though. I imagine I used to fight it with yummy treats when I was a kid. You know that sulky mood that melts away with the lollipop in a kid’s mouth? That’s how I think I used to deal with sadness back then. I guess, later in life it turns to a mental tornado that can no longer be dealt with candy anymore. I used to want to run away from the pain. So at times I would seek approval. I would do something great to get applause. And of course consume the usual short lived pleasures. You know them, bad ones. I’m not sad about this or in any way upset or regretful. I feel some type of way because my mind right now is saying, “you should have known better.” 

But, really that’s the dark cloud trying to get my attention. It misses me. I’m not there as much as I used to. In fact it is very rare nowadays because I saw it for what it was. So the little discomfort I feel now is from the grazes I got crawling around in the narrow tunnel. And because I already stepped into the light at the end of it, I know that this is from memory. I can comfortably “look back”, mentally: so as to write these accounts. And if you are in the tunnel, you know nothing else. I wouldn’t go back there willingly.

This is a choice I’ve made. My brother said something to the tune of, “when the dark clouds are gathering it’s because you are running away from something.” This means that all I have to do is identify what I’m avoiding. Often it is a goal of mine that is tedious to achieve -aren’t they all?-or an obvious and immediate decision I need to make about something. My next action will be to execute so as to free myself from the pressure. This is real-time growth. It is happening to me. After I make the decision, I do what I need to willingly and I feel happy! This happiness flows into everything and everyone involved. And this adjustment is turning me from a kind of hippie type into a hard-worker. The individual’s evolving energy awakened to who they are and what they are doing.

 I am alone as an entity. A feeling of loneliness arose last night and inspired this letter. It was not sad at all. It was a warm glow upon my heart. Where, weirdly, I knew that I’m capable and empowered to deal with the challenges that are thrown towards me by life. This answer has come to me. I need not call anyone for advice or encouragement. I did though. I spoke a lot about what I was up to and the issues I was dealing with. But there wasn’t much spoken from the other end of the phone call. All that was said was, “I don’t have anything else to say to that.” 

“Well, it was nice to hear from you.”

I know I am capable. So I relaxed. Maybe I just needed to hear it from my own mouth. I stay ready and excited about the surprises of day-to-day living, because life is full of those. So if I’ve learned anything, it’s that adjusting your attitude about things and ignoring excuses the mind so creatively comes up with, can lead to a productive living. Victory is how you feel within, and that comes from doing what is required of us.

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