IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

Darling,

It has taken me a long time to finally do this and I am still not sure these words are the ones I want to use. This is a problem you are having now and it will sadly, continue to plague you years from now-apparently it’s a sign of a mind haunted by itself.

I am however deliberately referring to you as darling because that frail and forlorn girl you present today will disappear and in her place, a fireball of a woman will emerge-at least she believes herself crimson enough to burn. It seems unlikely at the moment but you should be and must be kind to you. Allow yourself the pleasure of childhood. Laugh. Be young. It’s difficult for you to imagine that you can now; especially with that whisper of desperation, frustration and the creeping loneliness seeping in and out of your thoughts.  You will realize none of it is your fault. You will understand with time that the fights have nothing to do with you and you will be able to tell the difference between love and dependence. What you have now is an altered version of what real life is like. What you are seeing now, the beatings, the screaming the blood and the fear will not always be there. It will however, get worse before it gets better. The screams will take your dreams hostage and for a while, you will be afraid not of the dark, but your own darkness. This too shall pass but you must remember to hold on to your tenderness. You are a child who keeps forgetting to take off this adult role you wear so well. Now I want you to listen carefully, hold on to the smiles he throws your way every so often, they are genuine. It sounds incredulous to suggest it but he really does love and care for you. Stop assuming that because he is a terrible husband, he cannot be a good father. He is not your project to decipher and you do not need to explain his actions. Stop taking responsibility for his actions because the sooner you stop, the faster he will come around. This shame you wear? It’s time to disrobe honey for a techni-colored version of that coat awaits you. You have nothing to be embarrassed over. The scars she carries on her arms and face will disappear and just like you, she will metamorphosise into the strong woman you now crave. Allow her the time to come into her own. You want her to be more but she will not be able to until she is able to and when she comes around, my gosh will you revel in her glory. Cry louder darling. Weep. Tears do not make you weak especially not when you are 13. Apparently they clean the soul so spring clean love. Spring clean. Let’s now talk about those books. Keep at them. The escape they offer you now will make for stimulating discussions with people you will be proud to call friends. Did I already as you to stay kind to yourself? Do not forget this part. I am sorry you are hurting now munchkin, but it does get easier with time. You are a fragile creature of the sun, but never forget that what looks to the sun, grows and walks in light.

 

xoxo

 

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