PAIN & STRUGGLE + LOVE

Dear Sweet Njeri,

19 and in your final year of undergrad.  I can see you now. Slowly understanding or getting to grips with the way you dress.

You still like your jeans and sweatshirts, but you wear a baseball cap to shadow your eyes and give you a bit of mystery. Your wear a few tighter tops but are not fully comfortable showing so much curve. You walk around with some assurance from the computer room to the cafeteria, not looking anyone in the eye. The African girl that is cool. You sit down by the ship-like building and get a sandwich at the bar. And you sit and stare. And I know you my sweet. Your heart is broken. You just got that email where he wrote:

“I think you are a special person Njeri, but you must know I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for anything serious. I wish you well.”

This guy that you’ve got to know, intimately, quietly for over a year. This guy that you think about every morning and even before you sleep. This guy that happens to be doing the same thing you are – if it’s watching a movie or grocery shopping – at the exact same time. This guy that you know deep down cares for you has just pulled out. He has supposedly confirmed what you have always thought. No one wants you. You aren’t there to be loved. You aren’t the one the men go after and struggle for. So after reading the email in the computer room you smiled and said bye to the other guy with you in the room that you know likes you, as if nothing happened. You went to the cafeteria, and on this weirdly sunny and warm day in Guilford, you starred out at the world. Broken. You are simple looking. But inside you are broken.

I wish I was there Njeri, to give you the biggest warmest hug and tell you, “IT. IS. OK. Cry…..don’t be ashamed, just cry.” I’d tell how that incident is not an indication of who you are, or your worth. I’d tell you that you are Aslan’s daughter and He loves you more than anyone can ever fathom and your life is bright and full of amazing times ahead. And I’d tell you, this heart wrenching, alone-feeling pain you have going on – it will pass. But reach out to your friends. And you know what….freaking cry! Release! Let it out. Don’t be brave or embarrassed of your pain. Release it. You ARE loved!

Njeri, we cannot please everyone. You know this. I know this even now. Dedicate your life to Him. And if a man comes along – and there will be a tonne of dudes that will come by vying for your attention – and asks for your time, take two steps back. Watch him, watch his actions to others. Listen to his words, see his drive (is there any?). Look within yourself and ask, does he add value to my life? And then make your decision.

You are loved Njeri. I loved you then. I love you now. I love you forever!

You are strong, you got through it. And you are still loved, immensely.

Yours forever J

Darth Vader Junior x

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