Dear Vanesa

Vanesa

It’s me your older, a teensy bit wiser self

How are you doing?

Vanesa

It’s me your older, teensier bit wiser self

How are you doing?

It’s shortly after 1:00 p.m. and we are queuing at the chief’s camp waiting on Val to register for an ID. She is 18 years now. Sorry to tell you these big sister duties don’t go away. I know you are wondering why we are not working in some big shot law firm like we always dreamed of but life didn’t go exactly as planned. Not to worry though, that is the least of our problems.  We (yes, I still refer to myself as we) will work and work will be good for us because we will be more open and accommodating of people. People are inherently good. It takes some effort to convince myself this sometimes, but they really are.

This letter however, is not meant to tell you what we are doing a whole decade later, because even if you were to read this letter by some miracle, you probably wouldn’t turn out exactly as we are today. I know you’d want to avoid the many, many mistakes I have made during this period but it’s those mistakes which made us who we are today. And spoiler alert, we like us. So instead allow me to pass on a few lessons I managed to retain during this period.

Sexuality is a spectrum

Congratulations, we won’t die a virgin. Pretty cool, huh?  Thought I’d start us off with one of the big ones. We will embark on a sexual journey that will awaken parts of us that you won’t believe even existed. We will be confused and maybe even embarrassed at some point but this will all be a part of the process. Over time we will grow to appreciate the various dimensions of sexuality and we will appreciate our body more. And girls.  Girls will confuse us yet we will still love the heck out of them

Heartbreaks and ashtrays

Heartbreaks  will crush us. We will convince ourselves that we will never date again. We will go for morning devotion to beg God to take away the pain and still it will hurt like hell. We will cry our eyes out and rebound with the guy whose middle name sounds like bananas. We will hit rock bottom but babe, we will pick ourselves up and start again. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” will be our anthem until the next time we fall hopeless and completely in love with some else.

At some point, weed will be our saving grace. Trust me on this

Average sized goals are the biznizz

Dad pounded into our brains that we should always shoot for the stars and dream big or go home. He meant well but the pressure of this will drive us crazy and maybe just a little bit over the edge trying to kill ourselves for the big dreams. So here’s the thing babe, little dreams run slower and are a bit easier to catch. Why not start small and add little by little as we grow?

Tattoos hurt almost as much as heartbreaks

On the first month of 2019, we will decide that getting some ancient Greek symbols tattooed on our arm sounds like a fun and sexy idea. That will be the 3rd time we will cry in public and people will not understand what it means so you will resort to telling them it means “fried rice and chicken”. However, we will love it so much, the simplicity of it all that it will be first of many.

Few  friends are a vibe

Friend are few and far in between. Please save that energy that we will have trying to kill ourselves getting people to like us and channel it into something worthy, like practicing a head stand without leaning on the wall or breaking our neck.  Our streak of making new friends will come and go as some of these guys will be seasonal. We will have few but rare ones. Also, Try to be a friend.

You are only responsible for yourself

Happiness will be very elusive in the coming years for us and it will take us a while to understand that only You and I are responsible for it. Terrifying and exhilarating, no? Only we, can start that blog,  apply for that job, shoot that shot. We are our own bosses.

On that note, we will meet people who we desperately want to help. We will bend over backwards trying to fix them. We will obsess over them. Sorry Love. That will be time wasted on our part. They are their own bosses too and only they are responsible for their own decisions.  The best we can do is send lots of love and light and maybe one day they might sit down and rethink their choices. But till then, it’s not up to us

We are ordinary AF

Yet it is the best thing that can happen to us. Every time we are sad or angry and feeling lost ( which will be a lot of times by the way) we will have this tendency to convince ourselves that nobody else understands. News flash, people have been there, everyone has a struggle and burden they do not speak of. They keep it safely tucked under their tongues. Their boogie man. What we can do during this period is talk to someone we trust. And maybe really get to know how our neighbor is doing. A problem shared, lightens the burden

Guess what? We still can’t draw, paint or sing but we have one amazing gift, and that is writing. I see you there seated on the grass in the school field pouring your thoughts into words for hours. No matter what, please don’t stop.  Often you will judge your pieces as too amateurish and sentimental. And you will be right. But don’t put aside your colored pencils for too long, because every moment you spend writing, you will get closer to self-discovery and it will be the quickest way of dealing with whatever feeling you will be experiencing during that period. Giving up on it because “it’s not good enough” will only delay the inevitable.

Honey, we are going to be on a roller coaster most of the time and there are a bunch of things that won’t be in our control, during that period we will need a break, we will need air. Let us be. Let’s not succumb to the sadness or the pain. Nothing is permanent. Impermanence will be our biggest philosophy

That’s plenty for now.  Go have fun. Breathe. Keep it awkward. It weeds out the weak

Love

Vanesa




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