LET IT GO

Dear Amy,

The fighting stopped but dad doesn’t sleep on his side of the bed anymore. He travels a lot more and for longer periods of time. Sometimes without saying goodbye. Some days you forget about him, you forget that he always seems to light up the mood when everyone is down and you hate yourself for feeling like this but it’s the truth. Right about the time you forget how he laughs or how great the steak he makes on Sunday tastes, he comes home. Dad is home. Can we all be happy now?  

He doesn’t stay, it feels like its minutes before he’s packed his bags for Uganda again. And you’re back on your cycle; remembering and forgetting.

One day when you’re back home from school, you notice that mum looks lighter but pay no attention to it. The next time you’re home, there’s a random girl always around mum. It still doesn’t raise a need to ask questions. And then one time, a man you’ve seen once or twice picks you from school. Who is he to come for you?

I remember the day it all made sense. The man who picked you from school is mum’s new partner, the girl always around her is his daughter and dad? Dad is no longer in the picture. It hurt. You must have asked yourself several times if you’d ever see dad again. You cried. Life was so unfair. And then you blamed yourself, you blamed yourself for dad leaving. You can’t explain why but it felt like it was all your fault. Then the blame turned to hate. You hated the world. You hated yourself. You hated your family and you hated dad for leaving. Sometimes you wished you would die; only then would you not have to deal with all of the pain.

And then there was resentment. Resentment towards this new family everyone seemed to be excited about.

You know what Amy, it’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault, sometimes things don’t work out and instead of pretending that it’s all okay, you need to move out of that fit and into a new one. It won’t be the same but it’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry, dad will always be a big part of our life and nobody is taking up his space. Side note, you have this cool new big brother now.

I beg you, release all that pain. It’s way too much baggage to dance through life with.

Love always,

Amy

 

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