REMEMBER YESTERDAY

Dear Ciiku,

If you are reading this, it is as I have feared. Morning has come and with it the darkness and despair of yesterday has disappeared. I know best what a warm meal and a restful night can do for the soul. How the several hours of unconscious rest can blunt one’s feelings and one’s memory to the resolve of yesterday. The resolve to be better.

You probably have not the same agony you had yesterday- the frustration of bondage caused by your own actions. You probably have forgotten that you cried yourself to sleep. That in desperation you made a covenant. That you promised once more never to do it again, and that you would never find yourself there, in that very same place you never seem to be able to escape. I knew this would be so hence I write- that you may remember yesterday.

Listen to me. The Ciiku of yesterday knows the pain; remembers the shame of it all. The present Ciiku is hopeful and optimistic that things will change; that a new day means a new beginning. But I, the future Ciiku, understand that there is no new beginning if you keep on doing the same things that bring you sorrow and anguish.

I know the feeling of going down that same road. You seem to forget it. I know the guilt and shame of doing that which I ought not to do. You seem not to remember it. Each morning you seem to forget the regret that consumes when after the struggle you eventually give in. When you indulge against your will and your better judgement, even after making a solemn promise to yourself. The frustration of having a weak resolve and the depression of having a strong determination that comes to naught whenever temptation looks you in the eye.

So Ciiku, do not allow yourself to go back there. Today when you hear the sweat luring voice from the East calling you, beckoning to you, ‘Come’, turn west. Today when that bewitching evil, seeks your sympathy, your company and your devotion, turn and run. And even when you are not sure why you are resisting, why you cannot just give in- just this once, remember your determination to change. Remember the promise to yourself. Remember the despair of letting yourself down. Remember me: the future you.

And remember yesterday.

Sincerely,

Ciiku

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