LOVE 101

Dear Younger Joy,

You have been in love so many times. Or at least I think you have. You never really searched. It’s one of those things that found you. You would go to an event and a boy would wink at you. Then there would be some charm and some intrigue and an air of mystery. Then there would be the conversations you had.

You find that small talk was terribly tiring. Not to say that all conversations that you have with those I think you loved were always filled with depth and meaningfulness but that even in those moments of small talk there was a striving to nourish each other with more. Something you felt that you could sense in the other person.

Love is not an emotion. At least not entirely or as people have attempted to portray it. The butterflies that you get because of someone you feel strongly towards are not self-sustainable. After some time you will find that you have to put in effort in being interested in someone. You will have to take time to be patient with the person that you love when they do not live up to your expectations.

You do not not and still will not know how to love half-way so that when things got tough you left. Love will teach you so much about yourself. That after a time if your fundamental values and those of the person you are with are not the same, there would be conflict. You would want to pray with them and it would be awkward. Even though prayer was so important to you, you could not share those moments. Conflicts as a result of matters such as personal values do not ever get entirely resolved. It is usually a game of compromise that often ends up in resentment and misunderstanding. Love is nurtured by constant communication. Never make any assumptions. I find the idea of dropping hints to get something a source of many conflicts. If you want something say it. I understand that sometimes we do not want to seem desperate asking overtly for things like quality time but I have found that when you ask you get a grasp of whether what matters to you, matters to other person. Love thrives on vulnerability, the idea that you have to be a certain way that is not who you truly are to impress someone will eventually consume you. Give love to those who will love for who are and will want nothing but to see you become a better person. 

I also learnt that you cannot change someone. It causes resentment and anger. If you do choose to commit yourself to loving someone, that means that you have chosen them as they are and you are okay with who they are. Being in a committed relationship has taught me to love another but it has also taught me that you must be careful not to lose yourself to someone else. Love them without becoming them. You are yours before you are anyone else’s. Heart breaks are inevitable. Your heart will break not only if you break up but even in the relationship. You will break hearts as well. You have made promises and did not keep them and hurt a heart, promises were made to you that when they were broken you hurt incredibly. You must listen to your intuition. The times when you ignored it, you paid dearly with tears and deep heart ache. If someone breaks your heart, you must strive to forgive them even if they do not apologise or remotely acknowledge that they aggrieved you. Love is patient, kind and seeks for the good of the other. Most importantly, give yourself the love that you so crave to share with others, it will protect you from loving those that do not appreciate you. If you decide to date a person that you have been really good friends for really long with, things can never go back to how they were before. Bear that in mind.

Finally, kisses are not promises. You must learn to tell the difference between what is fleeting and can only be short term and what is deep and must be cultivated to grow. Do not mistake the former for the latter, and if you do, learn, grow and love again.

Love, 

Future Joy

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